Today would have been my brother, Michael's 32nd birthday. He was the BEST brother and friend I could have asked for. So many memories to hold on to. Our family hasn't been quite the same for nearly 5 years. Michael is NEVER forgotten, never far from our minds and ALWAYS missed and loved. You know, I always thought that things would get better. To be honest, the only way I can make them "better" is by forcing the thought that he's not alive anymore away from my mind. I'm constantly distracting myself from it. Forcing myself not to remember. Usually a memory comes in and I slam it away as quickly as it arrives. It's just too much to remember sometimes. Time is only a plaster, but it's still painful underneath. Today should be a happy celebration. Well, in all honesty, I feel just sad. The tears are streaming down. Today I owe it to him and to myself at least to stop, and allow myself to remember. This is so hard. All I want is to hug him and see him laughing and running down the beach with his surfboard under his arm. I love picturing him like this - it was how we all saw him before he got so ill - but I know it's all gone now and we mourn our loss still. He was always on the go (but not in a hectic way), visiting friends, cooking up a great meal, off to the beach, off to work, always enjoying life and making the most of his days. I wish we could press rewind, go and make some changes in history to give him full health, and carry on life in our previously normal way. I want to show him Josephine and Evie. I want him to come and visit us in Japan and we go to him. And more importantly, I also want to take the pain away that my parents feel...I feel it badly, but to lose a child....that is the toughest of all, I think.
But the Lord gives us strength to manage our days. Even a hard one like today, He will give us enough strength for these hours we need to endure. And our hope is in Him. That He saved Michael and that He will save us and others that believe in Him. That gives me hope. We will meet again. And it will be so different to life on earth....what are my expectations??....limited I guess. It's going to be awesome to spend ETERNITY in heaven with God, the angels, all our brothers and sisters...in perfection. Perfection! There will be no crying, no stress, no hatred or revenge. Only love, peace, singing, laughing, ....a big feast.
One positive thing about Michael's death (for me) is that it has really made me stop and think about what's important in this life on earth: to have a relationship with God and to love and appreciate each other.
