GRANDparents

Gwan and Gwamps leaving their home to come to visit us

Gwamps and Evie Marie

Gwan and Evie Marie

Gwamps and Josephine

23 January 2010

17 November 1978 to 23 January 2006

Today family and friends from all around the world remembered our precious Michael who hasn't been with us for 4 years now. 4 years! Time has marched steadily, is marching. Not missing a step. In some ways, time has been cruel. It cut itself off after 27 years for MIchael, and continues to marches on relentlessly for us - without him. 4 years we haven't had his company. Everyone else his age has kind of grown that bit older...gotten married, had some children, bought a house, done this or that. Our Michael will be 27 forever. The last time we were with him was on the 23rd of January and it sure feels like we're a long way off from seeing him any time soon. So while time has been harsh on the one hand, depriving us of him, it has also been merciful on the other. To be sure I'm not misunderstood: the "Michael-gap" will always be there - it will always be painful to not have him around. But time helps one adjust to the thought and reality of it. I was just saying to my dad today "I'm glad, for our sakes, that it's 4 years today and not just 4 days or 4 weeks or even 4 months". From that point of view, time has been merciful.

We love MIchael and will do so till our last breaths. And we will never stop missing him. But I have to keep knocking myself on my head to remind myself to try picture him in heaven. That he's not missing a thing! Marriage, kids, homes....all earthly things. He's not missing out really. I'm sure he won't trade! To think he's met Jesus and maybe even Moses, let alone other loved ones we know.

Michael, Josephine, Evie and I spent the day with my treasured parents. How much more their suffering.... to lose a child...I don't want to go there with my thoughts. And not just to lose a child. But to see them suffering. For so long. For what? Death.

...and life again. Well, at least there's that! And what a genuine comfort to know we will meet again. And in the big picture, none of our times here on earth are all that long.

Anyway, to end on that note and remind ourselves why we are here on earth. What is the point? Surely it's to prepare ourselves for heaven. Let's get on and do that. And if you don't know how - find out.

Jozie expressions

Just a few that come to mind right now....

When walking past Evie's bedroom: "I just going to put on my tippitoes" 
When the postman delivers something: "Oh Mamma! Look a big castle (parcel) has arrived to me!"
When putting Evie to sleep: "Evie is sooooo bootiful, Mamma."
Anytime: "I love you Evie/Mamma/Pappa -darling"

While taking the table cloth off today she said "I just undressing the table"

At the swimming pool today she stopped abruptly outside the entrance and said "Mamma I got 2 rules to you. No running at the pool. And I not allowed in the big pool until Mrs Ray is coming to me. I stay in the little pool till Mrs Ray is calling me."

Pointing at a disabled sign with a wheelchair icon outside the hospital, she exclaimed: "Mamma! These words (pointing at the picture) say "Do NOT make pee-pee here! NO pee-pee here!!".

Last few days - highlights

10 Jan: Had a lovely lunch at my folks' home in Hatfield. Was a special special treat to see my cousin Dani and her boyfriend, Mikkel. Evie ate her first chocolate that day -Lindt!
16 Jan: We had our farewell with MK friends. Lots of kids and babies - great!! Our neighbours also came along. Felt like that whole thing was surreal. Not our farewell. Someone else's.

Josephine setting the children's table

17 Jan: Removed the wallpaper in the playroom (sniff sniff...the move is now real....and it's an end to the MK, UK chapter). Disposed of our Christmas tree which had actually perked up in the cold snowy conditions outside. But it had to go. Michael also left for Spain this day - motorbike racing. Had a heeectic night with Josephine and Evie. Initially both crying, but then being ever so loving with each other: Jozie lying in my bed (didn't know what else to do in the end), stroking Evie's head and telling her "Evie, you're such a bootiful baby! I love you Evie Darling". At 12.30am it was cute. By 4am it wasn't cute anymore. Actually, it was cute. I was just too bushed to appreciate it.

18 Jan: my mom came around to stay 2 days. We all went for a swim together and Jozie had a lesson. Evie loves it in the water too! Better night!

19 Jan: we were invited by our neighbours for tea. Evie went totally ape about the dog, Hector. It was like she was saying "LOOK! Just LOOK at that thing!! It's moving!! It's furry and it's moving!"

20 Jan: Toddler morning at my place. Was great to see friends who have made me feel at home here in MK. And of course, Jozie's little friends that she's grown up with here. (Tine with Benjamin (Marcus at nursery), Josien with Anne, Corinna with Finn, Cornelia with Maurice, Anniken with Eskil). Had great time. Dashed for swimming lesson afterwards and mom dashed back to Hatfield before snow forecast arrived.

21 Jan: Michael home safe and sound (little accident, but thankfully he's fine). Swimming this afternoon again, us 3 girls. Michael joined us afterwards for an ice-cream.  Now too bushed to move. Goodnight!

Let it snow!

Here, we’ve had lots of snow over the last few weeks. And in England when it snows the country comes to a standstill. I’m not sure if it’s just an excuse to stay at home and not go to work or school or if they’re genuinely so afraid of getting in their cars. Well, I suppose they are a bit less used to the snow than in colder/more snowy countries for example, so they don’t go around (in Milton Keynes at least) with these huge snow machines clearing the roads and then gritting. It seems that the first few cars out have to carve a way, and then the rest just go in those tracks. And finally, the roads clear up that way. Anyhow, we loved all the snow, as did many others too though. It was a winter wonderland. And somehow – life is quiet. Nothing is hectic, there are few sounds outside. No birds, no cars, no dogs barking. Silence. It’s very very peaceful in a beautiful way.  We built snowmen (although Josephine said "Don't mess up the snow Mamma!", we made traintracks (hihi), sledged around, etc. I was pulling both girls on their sledges. Poor Evie. I lay her on the sledge with a lambskin thing at the bottom of the sledge to make it warmer and soft. And she lay there in her little red snow outfit like a little Michelin man. Unfortunately, I trudged through some deeper snow and she got a whole lot of the white stuff up her sleeve. To her utter dismay and loud (!) disapproval she gave me a severe scolding. So after taking about 30 -60 minutes (at least) to get them dressed up for the cold, I had them outside for 5 minutes that day, just to ahve to turn around. Evie was soaked as it melted immediately upon skin contact! Poor baby. You know they say one should introduce your baby to different textures (jelly, squishy things, brushes, furry things, etc)...maybe snow shouldn’t be on the list for such youngsters. I hope I haven’t put her off for life 

Anticipating Japan

We’re getting ready to move from the UK in 3 weeks....so there is much to be done. Mostly just sorting and getting things in order as the packers will do the packing and loading, which is a relief. We’re going back to our home in Germany for 3 months and after that we’re moving to Tokyo for 3 years. That will most likely be a big adjustment, so on the one hand it is daunting (eg bank clerks even at Citibank can’t speak English...not even in Tokyo...) but on the other hand, it’s going to be very exciting. I can already see that my most challenging bit will be fitting into their extremely “harmonious” culture. They never say no. How do they manage little people I wonder? And the other thing is they never shout. I don’t know about you, but I am fairly patient the first 10 times of asking Jozie to please come to the table / open your mouth while I brush your teeth etc. But after that my voice (i can hear it myself) starts crescendo-ing very rapidly. How shall I keep my calm when she or Evie later on don’t stay at my side in the massive crowds there (biggest metropol in the world...cool 40million, yikes!). So we shall see. I can picture the Japanese folk kind of staring, pointing and crossing the road to avoid us. Soon they shall extend their protective wear from facial masks to earplugs when we’re around. Let’s see. Ha, but actually we do have mostly fun, let me not mislead you. I hope we’re allowed to laugh loudly too just to balance the scales?

Otherwise we're having a great time in Milton Keynes with all the snow that's lying around. The kids are well kitted for the weather and so we've been enjoying it!

Looking forward to the weekend! On Sunday, we're meeting my parents for lunch. My second cousin once removed, Danni, and her boyfriend Mikkel, are coming too. I am excited to see them!

Family walk on 1 January 2010

Jospehine abandoning her bike and running towards Pappa who is waiting to throw her up into the air!

Flying high! Safe in Pappa's loving arms!

Michael and Josephine, my loves

Us 3 girls (Evie hiding in the pram), Josephine on buggy board and me

warming up on the couch afterwards with milk and a cinnamon cookie

Holding hands

London with my mom!

Going to London doesn't usually just happen with littlies. It was well planned and frequently dreamt of before "our" day arrived. Michael was given the opportunity to be home alone with Josephine and Evie (something he was looking forward to too) and while my dad (Gramps) was at work, Mom and I....went ape in London!
We both travelled into London by train and met around 11am at the National Art Gallery at Trafalger Square. Imagine actually meeting someone just inches away from the verlep looking sunflowers of Van Gogh or the romantic bridge of Monet?
The national art gallery is almost a second home to my mom, so she guided me through a select few halls and we stopped to study and admire the work of true artists who were genuinely brilliant. It was real fun being together!
After that we headed for the nearest tube station and zooted to Picadilly street to pick up some theatre tickets for Les Miserables at the "Queen's theatre". After being told that we'd only be able to see 2/3 of the stage, I started to doubt whether it would be worth it. But I am so often grateful to my mom who often takes her chances and gets a pleasant surprise! Without forcing me to change my mind, she gave me a look which said "it's going to be worth it. Say yes!" So we dove in and got the cheap tickets....
From there we walked a bit in the streets of London. They were wet, reflecting all the paedestrians's shadows. Umbrellas out everywhere, mostly black ones. An artistic picture of London. Lots of traffic. Red buses, black taxis, cars, rickshaws, vespas. A very soft rain that you felt on your face but didn't soak you. Fresh air. No kids. Arm in arm with my wonderful mom. Blissful time! Young again!
We walked a good way towards Bond street and then hopped onto a red bus for the rest. Hopped off again right outside OUR pub "Hog in the Pound". This is where my brother, Michael, used to work about 7 years ago or so. Each of us have our memories of visiting him there while he was behind the bar. He was so handsome and kind of glided behind the bar getting the orders ready. Always sooo happy to see us there. So with these happy memories, it also brings tears. Although there was literally no space left in there it was so busy, the tables and chairs somehow seem so empty without him around anymore. Painful to think that we won't be seeing him again in this life.
Well, after some lunch there we  headed for the theatre to go and enjoy Les Mis. In my (and my mom's opinion), it's the best best best production on West End. While they are all good, this one really has so many layers and really provokes thought afterwards. 3 days later....and I'm still thinking about it.
Ah, one "funny" was when Michael tried to phone me - just 15 minutes into the show. I forgot to tell him that we had gotten the tickets and he thought it was a good idea for me to say hi to Josephine. Well, when my phone rang....I freaked out and as my mom put it - it looked like I was rushing around trying to put out a fire! Press the OFF button! Quick!!! And do you think it stopped there? No, he tried again. And again! In between I tried to steal an sms to him to say where I was and ask if it was urgent. Finally, I took the exit and gave him a call, just to hear that they were missing me and Jozie wanted to say "hullo". So, we said our hellos and then I stole back into the theatre. And then...I accidentally pressed a button which put on the music on my phone. Oh my! Just desperately trying to switch it off! Quickly! Especially now that I knew all was fine and i could relax and enjoy and allow the others around me to do the same.
After Les Miserables, we exited into the night lights of London to catch a creamy and delicious cuppa at Starbucks. Had a great chat about Les Mis and this and that! Superb!
And to round it off, we took a walk to Covent Garden to check out the Christmas chandeleirs and vibe of the street life there! As we got there, I spotted a monster puddle and got the crazy idea to dare my mom £10 to make a big big splash. Can you believe it - she did it!!! What a sport! We laughed ourselves sick!
After that, we travelled together to Euston station where we parted ways and trekked back home.
If I speak for myself...I left with a big spring in my step, sore stomach and face muscles from all the laughing we did and a memory I want to hang on to forever. Was so special!